Oh, hi there. I guess it’s been a while since we last spoke, huh? I’m sorry about that. Law school doesn’t allow for much blogging time, and even when I do have a few spare moments, most of them are spent trying to fit in some extra sleep, or clean up my apartment that looks like it has been abandoned, or run other errands that have been pushed to the wayside. However, I finished up the semester last week, and can finally sit down and put words on this screen without feeling guilty about having other work to do.
I know that around this time of the year, people blog about their reflections from the last 12 months, and I suppose I’m going to feed into that cliche topic for this post and talk a little bit about what this past year has been like for me.
In short, 2014 was a year of pain, incredible struggle, and redemption.
Around this time last year, I was reeling from my first semester of law school and the heartache and unbearable depression that it brought. I don’t know how I survived that time, to be honest. I remember quite vividly the many days and nights I spent crying in bathrooms, my bed, my car, on the floor, etc. I remember hiding, literally, from the world as much as I could, too hurt and ashamed and depressed to face other people, to watch other people thrive as I fell with full force toward rock bottom. I remember my inability to stop my body from pouring out the seemingly never-ending stream of sorrow inside of me. I remember it all, and I have no idea how I survived it. I really don’t. There were days when I truly believed I would die from all of that pain. But I didn’t. I’m still here, and I’m still fighting, and I’m better, even when I can’t always recognize that I’m better.
The one thing I’ve realized this past year is that you have to fight for your life, as hard as you possibly can. You have to kick and scream and claw and pull your way through when things are tough, because that’s how you survive, it’s the only way you can survive when you’re falling. If you’re lucky, as I have been, then you have people along the way who help lift you and make the climb back up from the depths a little easier. But, ultimately, you have to do most of the work yourself — that’s how you gain strength and experience and wisdom — all things that will make the fight a little easier the next time around, because, of course, there will be a next time. Maybe, and hopefully, it won’t be so bad the next time, but life is full of valleys and peaks, and it is our duty to weather them both the best that we can.
And so here I am, bloodied and bruised and scarred, but finally feeling a little sunshine on my head as I rise from those terrible depths. And I’d be lying if I said that I’m not completely terrified that this feeling won’t last, that the other shoe is going to drop and I’ll be right back at the bottom again. But, interestingly enough, I feel that maybe I’ll be better equipped to deal with that day if and/or when it comes. I guess I’ve always been a fighter in that way, but have never had to test my strengths as much as I’ve had to this past year. It’s funny how life reveals those kinds of qualities about yourself to you when you need to realize them the most.
I’ve spent much of this year keeping my head down, working hard, and trying to prove to myself that I’m worthy. Worthy of what, you might wonder? Well, worthy of anything at all, I suppose. Worthy to be in law school, worthy to be loved, worthy to take up space on this earth and in the lives of others on this earth. Just…worthy. Worthy at all. And I think that I’ve proven that to myself in some ways, but not in others. I hope more than anything else right now that I can continue to reveal to myself my worthiness in this life. Because believing that you are worthy makes the fight so much easier to tackle.
2013 was a year that I was happy to say goodbye to — my attitude toward that year was, “don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!” But this year, 2014…in some odd way I have an attitude of gratefulness. Things were revealed to me about myself that I so desperately needed to know, people were brought into my life that I believe saved me, truly saved me, and I made a comeback in some really important areas. It was not an easy year, and it was not really a happy year, but it was a year of progress, and for that I can’t be anything other than grateful.
So, here’s to 2015, and the continued progress and healing that I hope it will bring.