Hi, friends. (Does anyone still read this thing?) I don’t think so, but I’m going to write anyway because I haven’t in so long and I need to put something out there. For months, I haven’t been able to find my words, and I’ve recently decided that if I don’t try to make them come back to me, they’re not going to come. I’ve been keeping up with all of my favorite blogs these past few months, even though I haven’t been writing myself, and I’ve been so jealous of the creativity, the passion, that I see in other posts while I sit over here trying to figure out how to write something that doesn’t have to do with one of my law textbooks.
It feels as though all of my creativity has been zapped, but I know that if I don’t try and cultivate it and make an effort to get some of it back, this problem isn’t going to get any better. I’m not just going to wake up one morning and feel inspired to write–I have to make myself write and slowly let the creativity flow back into my veins. With that being said, I’m going to try and post more, even if my posts are very short. If you’re still reading this boring old blog of mine, please hang in there.
Anyway, things have been challenging my way as of late. School is kicking my ass, and the lack of sleep, exercise, and good eating habits has been catching up with me. I’ve been trying all semester to get myself into a groove that allows for me to have a healthy work/life balance, but here it is, almost mid-October, and I’m still flying by the seat of my pants. I’m convinced, though, that the entirety of law school consists of one flying by the seat of her pants. Good thing I have another year-and-a-half of this shit, right?
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about learning how to appreciate struggle. I spend so much of my time resentful of the fact that life has seemed like a never-ending, painful struggle the past year or so (and even before that, if we’re being honest). But I’d be lying if I said that, during this time of difficulty, I haven’t grown and learned more about myself and the kind of person I want to be. This is how we grow–by struggling through things and figuring out, for ourselves, how to come out of it all better and stronger than before. But it’s hard to see that when you’re feeling bruised and tired and as if it will never get easier. And so that is what I’m grappling with right now–trying to remain optimistic that I’m going to come out of all of this, and come out of it better than before.
But if there’s one thing the people who know me well will tell you about me, it’s that I often make things harder on myself than I need to. And so while I’ve been fighting like hell to move forward and get out of this difficult period in my life, I think I’ve also been holding myself back in many ways. I spend so much time being bitter toward and about people and situations that have hurt me, and while those people have happily moved on with their lives and those situations remain unchangeable, I sit here, still stewing, and wasting so much time and energy. I guess I just don’t know how, exactly, to push those things out of my mind, but I wish that I could. I wish I could pull an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and forget about much of this past year. Just start with a clean slate. But then I guess I wouldn’t have accumulated all of these life lessons that I now possess, huh? I guess you really can’t have your cake and eat it, too–you can’t reap the benefits of learning important things about life without also experiencing the scrapes and bruises that come along with it.
I turned 24 a few weeks ago, and it recently occurred to me that I’m probably much too exhausted and cynical for my age. This is the time when I should be happiest and most energized and most optimistic, right?! Well, that is so not the case, but maybe the better years of my life have yet to come. See, there’s a little bit of optimism deep down inside of me!
Well, my Business Organizations textbook is calling my name, so I guess I’ll close for now. And look at me–writing several hundred words my first “real” post back after a long hiatus! Until next time, here’s to the scrapes and bruises and the healing that hopefully comes with them.