Month: July 2014

“If I Ever Feel Far Away…”

Taken in Kansas City, MO.

Taken in Kansas City, MO.

I can’t live here

In my body, I mean

I can’t live in my body all the time it feels too much

So if I ever feel far away know I am not gone

I am just underneath my grief

Adjusting the dial on my radio face so I can take this life with all of it’s love and all of it’s loss

Just to be clear

I don’t want to get out

without a broken heart.

I intend to leave this life

so shattered

there’s gonna have to be

a thousand separate heavens

for all of my separate parts

From “Royal Heart,” by Andrea Gibson

 

Into the Light.

Well, I sure dropped off of the face of the Earth when it comes to this blog, huh? Sorry about that, friends.

This summer, almost every moment of my time has been devoted to summer classes at the law school or work. Truth be told, I’m absolutely exhausted, but I also feel quite accomplished (we’ll see if that feeling sticks once I get back grades from my final exams that are coming up).

My job as a law clerk this summer has been incredibly fulfilling. Being at an actual firm, doing real legal work, and getting positive feedback on that work has shown me that I really am cut out to be an attorney, even if I’m not at the top of my law school class (or anywhere near the top). I feel more confident now, doing this work, than I have at any other point in time since I first started law school. I hope that my confidence will continue to strengthen and spread to other areas of my life as well–I could really use a good boost in that respect.

I was chatting with a friend of mine earlier today and told her that I’ve been feeling kind of weird lately. I’ve spent so much of this past year being in a deep depression, and now I’m at this place where I wouldn’t say that I’m extremely happy, but I also wouldn’t say that I’m extremely sad, either. It’s this weird in-between place that I think means I might be getting better in some ways, even if I’m still struggling in others.

I explained this to my friend and she told me that the “pendulum” in my life is perfectly in the middle right now. It’s not suspended on the dark side that it seemed to be stuck on for so long, but it hasn’t yet swung completely over to the light, either. And after spending so much time immersed in the dark, I suppose that being in the middle isn’t such a bad place to be. And maybe this all means that I’m finally headed toward the light, that I won’t have to struggle or hurt as much as I have this past year or so.

But the thing about pendulums is that they always end up going back the other way, and so even as I begin to see a little light, I know that it can’t be constant. And of course we all know that we never can be in the light 100% of the time, but when you’ve spent so much time in the dark, the thought of going back to that place is terrifying. On the other hand, I guess the more optimistic way of looking at this is that at least you know you’ll always return to the light, eventually.

So, here I am, hopefully making my own return to the light and to the sense of happiness from which I have felt distant for too long. I am cautiously optimistic, which I guess fits perfectly into that “in-between” place that I’m in right now in my life.

I wonder if this is what progress feels like. I really, really hope so.

-T