Tonight, I’m sitting at my family’s home in Kansas watching an episode of “The Golden Girls” that I’ve probably seen 20+ times. I just finished my first year of law school last week, and have been in a sort of daze ever since. This past year has been the hardest, the worst, of my life, and I don’t mean to be overly-dramatic by saying that. I have been challenged in ways I never could have imagined, and I’ve found out just how weak–and ultimately strong–I can be mentally. I’ve been taken to great depths not only from the stress of being in law school, but also from the stress of being in law school and dealing with depression. I’ve been exposed to the absolute cruelness–and kindness–of human beings. I’ve spent a lot of time asking “Why me?”–but it’s really quite pointless to ask that, isn’t it? We must play the cards with which we are dealt, and just be happy we have any cards in the first place, I suppose.
I have such a heavy heart right now, and still haven’t quite figured out how to come completely out of the darkness that has been this past year. There are many things still up in the air in my life, and what I want more than anything is resolution and peace of mind–the ability to know that everything is going to be alright. But do we ever really get to know that for sure in life? I think we all know the answer to that one, ultimately.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about that Beatles’ song, “Blackbird.” Perhaps not surprisingly, that song is the one from which the title of this blog came. I have two tattoos dedicated to the song, and in those moments in which I feel my greatest despair, I play it in order to remind myself that this–that is, this moment of adversity–is not forever. Even when we are broken, we can still find a way to soar out of the depths, at least most of the time, I guess. And as cliche as that may sound to most people, I hold onto that sentiment in order to get me through.
“Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise…Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.”